There are a lot of things I do not like about this month. It signifies so much and surprises so little. But most importantly, today’s the day 8 years ago; I was first inclined towards self-harm.
I was 15, I was hurt and I wasn’t sure what I expected the outcome to be. But experiencing numbness was a good start. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of people who would call that attention seeking, believe me I thought so to. When so many people comment and re-iterate who they think you are, convincing yourself becomes unconsciously easy.
Anyways, it has been 8 years and I think I’ve almost figured it out. If I were to do it for seeking attention and obtain sympathy from my friends, family and strangers, I wouldn’t go out of the way to hide my shame between the covers, beyond the bathroom door and beneath the long sleeves. I wouldn’t be so ashamed every time someone mentioned the scars and I had to tell a false story. It so happens I confided in you or you found out by accident, either way, explaining and acting on it remains my prerogative.
Honestly, not many people around me would be open to understand where I come from. And after a long battle, predicting a difference between people who get it and those who never will becomes easier. Acceptance, I believe, isn’t the problem, but lack of empathy is. I have and never will ask for acceptance off of my friends, family or strangers, I will however demand respect, comprehension and keeping an open mind. Over the years, this knowledge has helped me avoid disappointment in relationships.
I feel as if shining light on this matter will almost prove unnecessary unless I give some answers on how to tackle these emotions. Unfortunately, that is a mystery I never figured out. Depression has many forms; self-harm is a small but significant umbrella under it. I can’t say going to a therapist or confiding in medicines will magically resolve this issue. However, talking about it will.
If there’s one thing to take away from my long rants is that talking is cathartic and sharing your feelings is A OKAY. When you tell someone you trust how you feel and perhaps why you feel this way, it can greatly ease your pain and offer a perspective that is not prejudiced by sadness and lack of hope. It’s like you’re a dark room and the only way to let go of the darkness is opening a window and letting the light in. It’s about time to be unapologetically yourself, even if it means you’re sad, alone and depressed.
If talking seems too hard, write about it. I’ve always considered words to be my dagger and with that I etch my feelings onto pieces of papers or a blog just like this one. It immensely helps having a community of people who get it, who don’t judge, only listen and offer words of solace. Sometimes, strangers can make a difference that even the closest of friends and family cannot.
Lastly, learn to walk away! Broken heart? Lost friendships? Death… There’s a lot that can alter you on the inside and put you in a vortex of irreversible unhappiness. This unhappiness is a shadow, following you every step of the way and bringing you closer to gravity. LET THAT FEELING GO. Know that the pain doesn’t really get easier; you’ll just learn to live with it. You’ll wake up one day knowing that how you feel isn’t going anywhere and consequently expectations from situations and oneself will alter. Happiness IS over-rated; I’d rather you chase the fiery strength to live, to breathe and to hold on. Chase those un-expected smiles in face of sorrows and unwavering grace in face of a losses. That’s how you have a story to tell, so laugh, cry and live to tell the tale and tell it with pride.