Some writers paint a pretty picture when they write, I’m not one of them. But painting a real one, yea, that sure sounds like me. The sun is setting and I assure you from the hustle and bustle of where I live, there’s no place to catch that action; so I’m sitting on the dinner table, sipping some camomile tea whilst watching the light get dimmer and dimmer. I guess it’s time to not just sip the tea but spill it. 

So let’s get into it, shall we? It’s been a messed up 2-3 months; I’ve had some serious highs and lows and while I feel that 2016 is just passing by, I’m find myself hoping that I get through time rather quickly. Let’s start with my ambiguous health update.

About a couple months ago, I started having sharp chest pains, followed by this lump in the throat feeling, obviously, none of that sounded good so I rushed to the doctors. After being diagnosed with severely low levels of Vitamin D, my main concerns remained unsolved. My persistence with the doctor paid off and I was sent to a gastro; they  performed an endoscopy (which was terrible, but okay). They found it was just acid reflux and prescribed me 5 different meds. Not gonna lie, this feeling of chest pain hasn’t bothered me ever since, but this lump in the throat feeling isn’t going away. In the middle of all this, I went to Izmir which definitely got me off the whole prescription a couple of times and I definitely let it go a week ago. So, where to from here? I know not. I guess I’m going to see how much better I get after making severe changes to my diet (which again I lost control over in the past week).

With everything that’s bothering me physically, anxiety is just around the corner at all times. I don’t say it as much as I should, but some of the simplest tasks build up and cause me to go into panic mode. I was a hot mess during my flight to and back from Turkey; I’m not doing so well in presentations or having the best reactions to stress. There are days I think this is all just a side-effect from my depression. I’m happier, but what if subconsciously, I’m holding on to every good memory for dear life and not allowing myself to feel sad so hard that my body just wants to crash? I’ve heard of crazier theories than this, but hey, I miss feeling like myself.

Amidst all the chaos and melancholy, I’m trying to find some solid ground. Two people in my life do that; M & A. And let me tell you, I’d be so freaking lost without them. It’s the little things you know? Like having this ritual of getting coffee every morning or tackling a tough day with shit tons of ice-cream. They’re so dear to me that I wouldn’t imagine my life without them. And there are a few friends that I don’t see as often, but I count on them so freaking much, actually one of them is having a cute little boy in December and I’m making so many ‘Aunt-Plans’, I’m almost embarrassed.

Then there’s my YouTube channel, that’s become my baby, something I adore and am focussing all my energy on. I’m also re-decorating my home, trying to make it perfect for Diwali. It started with doing something nice for my parents before the festival, but I’d be lying if I said, I don’t enjoy keeping myself busy in all the little touches.

I’m doing all the things that qualify as so inexplicably normal, but I don’t feel so, at least not at all times. I used to be good at this you know? Figuring out the cause of my problems, or figuring out what exactly it is that I’m feeling and why? But as I grow older, I’m becoming more and more ambiguous about my anxieties. Sometimes something don’t get to me as much as they should and sometimes, the smallest things bring me crumbling down.

With these lost thoughts;

Until next time…

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Heena Mak

I believe in changing mindsets, changing the world, not with the power of a sword, but with the power of a word...

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