I’m just a girl, sitting in front of a screen, writing how I feel. And yet, I type each word with caution, as if treading lightly around my feelings will ease the repercussions of life. I’ve heard them say that you live and learn, but when exactly does this stop being an obligation but an experience that pleasantly makes you stronger, without breaking you apart first?
See? there I go tip-toeing around my heart, stop it from being too weak, too vulnerable or too much. The fact of the matter is; I have this sense of an inevitable ending. The beginning of an end kinda feeling. As if everything that has happened so far has reached its peak, and it’s only downhill from here. I want things, people, stories that no longer seek me; I get angry, mad, irrational when I watch them happier with anything, anyone except me. I am watching them let me go, when I’m sat here doing the same.
This haunting loneliness is drifting all versions of me I’ve ever known. But, this loneliness is a well known acquaintance, it knows how to bring me to my knees and show me all the things I’d rather leave unspoken. This loneliness calls my name in a familiar voice, unknowingly leaving me breathless every now and then, craving a landscaping destruction that’ll have my world crumbling down. And as I stand on the edge, craving an addiction far beyond my reach, I’m not sure what I’m bidding goodbye to. Them or me?
All this while, I was giving away pieces of me; in form of love and affection and hoping that the reciprocation will consume me. That one day, these pieces will find its way home and make me whole again. Now, I’ve ran out of love, affection and frankly all the fucks I could give. I’m just hollow. I’d say it’s the strangest emotion, but like I said, we’re old acquaintances. We peak, we drown and then we fall back together.
It makes me wonder though, have I ever left someone empty? How many lives have I touched who now regret knowing me? How many wrongs have I perceived right? As grim as it feels to walk away from the victims shoes, it also gives me a reason to comprehend. Because, if I’ve ever, in any shape or form, hurt someone so deeply, then all of this makes sense right? I don’t have to waste anymore sleepless nights wondering if I deserved this all along. Having those little pockets of hope that I’m better than this will stop nudging at my thoughts, wanting the lost fighter in me to find justice.
Truth is, I’m done fighting. No, I’m not talking about a fight with words and fists. This is the kinda fighting that keeps my sanity close. The one I have with my inner demons. But now I know. I know that you can’t keep building on shattered foundations, sometimes its better to let the world around you collapse. It leaves you with brutal choices and nothing to lose. It’s a scary place to be in. And that’s where I’m at right now…
Until next time