Rambling of my insane mind

Earlier this year, I was struggling with generalised anxiety. It had made every day situations harder to bear, making all my fears swim to the surface and I became overwhelmed with emotions. Fast-forward a few months later, the anxiety is slightly settled but there’s a familiar feeling of hopelessness, numbness and you guessed it, depression.

It’s quite confusing to deal with either of them, let alone both. Anxiety puts you in a flight or fight mode and depression in complete despair; the constant switch between not giving a damn at all to caring too much ensures I drive everyone around me utterly mad. I wake up hyper-tense some days, sensitive to every little detail going wrong or there are days I’m shutting down, unexpectedly calm amidst a storm. I think I’ve jeopardised my relationships by being ‘too’ much this and too much that and my anxiety comes knocking at my door telling me that they’re all going to leave one day, much like the others. But the perpetual sadness comes right after, with the acceptance that people leave, and sometimes they don’t come back.

I’ve been hearing this beautiful song, almost every day. I wake up listening to it, sometimes fall asleep to my favourite parts, and it has become an anthem to my situation. Here’s an excerpt:

“There is a swelling storm

And I’m caught up in the middle of it all

And it takes control of the person that I thought I was

The boy I used to know

But there is a light in the dark

And I feel its warmth

In my hands, in my heart

But why can’t I hold on?

‘Cause it comes and goes in waves

It always does, It always does

We watch as our young hearts fade

Into the flood, Into the flood

And the freedom of falling

And the feeling I thought was set in stone

It slips through my fingers

And I’m trying hard to let go

But it comes and goes in waves

‘Cause it comes and goes in waves

And carries us away”

Funny story, the song is about falling in and out of love with someone you’ve been with for a while, seeing their flaws and finding yourself wanting to discover more of them, but having nothing left. And in a twisted way, it’s familiar to falling in and out of love with yourself, knowing the crevices of each and every flaw but trying to love it anyways. I guess it’s what we do best, we hold on to a version of ourselves in the past, or the one we hope to find, all this while watching our present fade. There are storms in all of us, we’re all rough around the edges and yet, we seek comfort in hoping to control our darkness, our flaws instead of accepting it, chasing the feeling of content that was once set in stone. But here’s the thing about moments that are frozen in the past, they always seem too good to be true, because our mind tricks us in remembering everything in its best light. The past was never painless; it was like your favourite pair of jeans, accustomed to your flaws, yet keeping you comfortable, all this while, painting a picture of yourself that you adored.

When you take away your ‘graduation goggles’ (HIMYM Reference), you’ll realise that you’re better off holding on to your present than your past. However messed up, I don’t think my journey has been half bad. I don’t know where I’m going and I have no destination, but I’d like to see where life takes me, for once.