Holly Jolly Christmas {Photo Diary}

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Let’s make up for lost time

Sat here, a little lonely; trying to plan the next big move that makes life more meaningful, but coming up empty. I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, in fact, I pride myself on being sensitive enough to accept them, but this one’s a little alien and I’ve identified it as defeat.

Let’s back up for a moment, and picture this. A 14-year old girl; a casualty of her own self-deprecating thoughts, put in a terrible situation with people around her; tainted by sadness, what does she want to be when she grows up? In one word: Happy. Fast-forward 11 years, the future is still bleak, heartbreak now is exactly like the heartbreak then, friends that left, still haven’t found their way back.

So defeat it is. Now it all makes sense, right? That’s the thing about growing up, we think that its a magical place where all’s well and all’s right; a fairytale land that always seems too far ahead. I thought that too; but, between all the late nights I carelessly let go; sometimes with a little too much work and others with a little too much whiskey, I’m struck by this realisation that life’s not what I wanted it to be at 25.

When you’re young, all you have is your imagination to keep you close to your dreams. As an adult with all the means to ‘make it happen’, I still seem to fall short. My imagination no longer cuts it, I can’t just dream a life I want for myself, I must live it. I’m not even sure if I get in the way of life or life gets in my way; but for now its a mutually destructive relationship. 

I can almost hear you say, “you’re too young to feel that way.” But, I do feel like I’ve defeated myself and that 14 year old who believed she would have the life she wanted by now. Back then, I hadn’t made as many mistakes, I had known loss but never lived it, I had touched sadness, but hadn’t felt it. With all that said, I also envy her. She had hope, she had a sense of reassurance from her future, like she could almost taste the victory of what awaited her. I’d give anything to feel that way now.

And I know I’m not the only one who regrets the things she’s done. And I know I’m not the only one in the world who has looked at her reflection and hated every inch of it. I get that; believe it or not, I understand that there’s a big picture with ups & downs. I just can no longer accept that that’s it.

It seems as if I’ve read every chapter over and over again, some regrettably more than the others, waiting for the big reveal. Praying that it lives up to my fantasy. I can no longer function without knowing how my story ends. Whether I get the guy or the aspiring career? Whether I finally make amends with people I hurt, or they come back seeking redemption?

I’ve watched my life flash before my eyes far too many times, the persistent heaviness in my heart prevails, feeling exactly like the 14 year old who sought after her future with fear and fearlessness all at once. I don’t think I have her big heart, or the passion to fight off anything the world throws at me. The only thing I’ve got is a desperate desire to fight defeat.

I could sit here and go on forever. I know there’s so much I have to say, so many words I haven’t written yet, some I haven’t even learned. But something tells me, I’ll be back for more because the story never really ends, does it?

What having Anxiety feels like |

In one word, having anxiety feels like a burden. The constant nervousness, the jittery instances, the loud thumping of the heart that is felt in the back of your shoulders, your neck, your throat; it is confusing, it is frightening and most importantly, it is as harsh as the first time you experienced it. That’s at least until you learn to deal with it. The worst part about being diagnosed with anxiety is how much the thought of that makes me anxious.

It happened 4 months ago, I was woken up by extreme palpitations. I took a sip of water, tried to slow down my heartbeat and flashes of painfully worrying thoughts that reminisced my dark corners. It didn’t work for a while, until I got exhausted of trying and eventually passed out. The symptoms have got interesting and dare I say, more apparent than ever, in the last 3 weeks – chest pains, jittery stomach, hands shaking, irregular breathing, the likes. I have to agree, I’m not the most optimistic person, so the anxiety really does add to my sour take on life; but more than that, the physical symptoms genuinely scare the shit out of me some days. Ironically, they usually get much worse on the weekends, you know the time when you hope to unwind, but end up thinking about everything that’s not working out. I guess I’m hoping by putting this out there, I could lighten the burden and perhaps open a debate that could help me and help some of you who are going through the same.

There are a few things that I’m working with as of now to ensure I have some control over my anxiety and they seem to working (most days). I hope these things help you out or if you have any alternatives, leave them in comments below.

  • I’ve been meditating *GASP*. This has never been something I’ve been inclined to do, but this has really helped my sleep patterns. I usually go on YouTube, find sleep hypnosis/meditation rituals and listen to them in bed, relaxing. It has an unusually relaxing affect to my breathing, my physical jitteriness and in calming my thoughts.
  • I’ve been focussing on eating healthy (mostly). I have my days when I chow down on noodles or pasta, but surprisingly enough, hefty food really adds up to the anxiety ( at least for me). So fibers, proteins and good carbs have been in my diet, followed by very little caffeine and plenty of water. I feel as if this has a psychosomatic affect on my mind; anxiety brings out a lot of physical symptoms that startle you, the fact that you’re taking care of your body instils this feeling of self-care and wellbeing. That thought really calms me down.
  • Anxiety is really hard to explain or to talk about. Since this has been my second hit with this disorder, it somehow feels stronger. I guess it really depends on what you’re dealing with i.e. family, relationships, work or financial issues. Personally, I know I’ve made it a point to be a bit more shut down about my personal feelings; in friendships and at home. It’s a personal choice and I’m not sure if that’s feeding my anxiety, so I’ve made it a point to write in my journal every day! It helps me gather my emotions, my goals, things that are working out, and the ones that aren’t.
  • Lastly, take a time-out! Just this last weekend, I had a major meltdown; I was shaking and panicking and a whole lot of mess. I took a second to breathe; went outside with a cup of coffee (decaf), forced myself to listen to each and every lyric to the music I was playing, did a few pamper rituals and made a to-do list for the rest of the week. You have to train your mind to allow distractions from the overwhelming feelings. It’s a slow race, but you have to win it!

I hope reading this helps you; as much as writing it has helped me.

Not worth reading | pt 2

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You know my writer brain is doing that thing again. One where it aches to write epiphanies and thoughts that are better left unsaid and unspoken. So here I go.

As I independently stroll across a sidewalk; water and rocks on one side, pool on the other, there’s some sort of “being alone” moment that occurs. So I quickly chat away with friends and update social media just so that feeling goes away. And for a minute that connection, that like, that response makes perfect sense, it makes me laugh and smile and quickly and discreetly, it fades away.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that, finding loneliness in a moment of independence, forgetting why I’m in a busy room full of people I barely know or right in the middle of a meeting, finding solutions for clients, but only questions for myself. Why does alone feel so lonely? And, why aren’t all these people I know and love filling that space so I don’t feel as empty anymore.

Complicated questions, no answers.

If I were honest, it makes so much sense when I put it into words, write it out. But every time someone asks If I’m okay? The perfected words “I’m fine” are the only ones that seem to escape my lips. Imagine this, you walk up to someone, someone who seems to be doing fairly okay and ask them How they’re doing? Are you really looking for the right answer or the easy answer? Are you willing to listen and understand all the reasons once isn’t fine. Does it make a difference? Will it ever? Agh, I’ll never know.

Just like I never know what to say when someone asks me any question that demands baring soul and letting in. Sarcastic humor cocooning insecurities (learned effectively from Chandler Bing) seems to be the only way I’d tell the truth. As if knowing what’s wrong is this big piece of the puzzle that demands your utter attention in knowing me. I’m not gonna lie, every time I do do that, my insides are screaming, “read between the lines.”

Until next time…

 

 

From the bottom of my healing heart

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In my 23 years of living, there’s one thing that life’s taught me, that is; you win some and you lose a lot more. Not just money or people, but relationships and memories, opportunities and lovers, friends and family, it’s all right there. And even if we like to admit it or not, some of these loses are caused by our own words, our own actions and our own mistakes. Continue reading From the bottom of my healing heart

STYLE HAS NO SIZE

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“She’s disheveled, bits and pieces of her are missing, she’s been hurt and she’s made some mistakes. She is a child on certain days, and others, she’s pulling through relentlessly like a grown-up. They expect her to smile through her pain, anticipate less and love unconditionally, they want to judge what she wears, who she meets, who she chooses to love. They all have an opinion on her freedom, her choices, her love and her life. Her gender comes at a price and countless expectations; she births, she gives, she works and she does it all under labels that try to bring her down. Continue reading STYLE HAS NO SIZE

Thoughts on Self-Harm Awareness Day

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It’s that time of the year again… Where I talk about self-harm and pray that I can change the way people look at depression, anorexia, bulimia, bi-polar disorder, anything and everything that ‘normal’ people use to classify the rest of us. Today will be different, I won’t talk about my experience, my repulsion towards the ignorance of the whole situation or what I think we can do to change that, I’m just going to tell you a story and if you’re interest is peaked, read on. Continue reading Thoughts on Self-Harm Awareness Day

#AMPLELOVE TO YOU, FROM ME

Self-Acceptance, a term most people talk about in preach-ful sentences and brave adjectives. For me, it has never been as as black and white, as present and absent, it has been a constant battle, brimming with distractions to take away from that peaceful feeling of being ‘okay’ with who you are. As a work in progress, I’m far from acceptance; I am but an example of daily struggle and constant battle. Today, irrespective of what the world says, I’ve come to realize, I’m my own kind of beautiful and here’s why. Continue reading #AMPLELOVE TO YOU, FROM ME

#AmpleLove GIveaway

IMG_2976So I have a little treat for all my readers, a giveaway! It is really important to me that this blog becomes a holistic beauty portal than just being about vanity. In light of Self Harm Awareness Day on March 1st, I’d like for all of you to look at yourself and tell me one thing that you love the most about yourself and participate in this giveaway. I’m happy to announce that Neal’s Yard Remedies is the brand associated with this giveaway and their Rose and Geranium duo is the prize for the giveaway. Continue reading #AmpleLove GIveaway

BLOGMAS 5: It’s about being comfortable in your own skin

When the festive season arrives, I’m unusually excited but truth be told, I dread all the dressing up and the feeling ‘not good enough’ especially during fancier gatherings. I don’t know about you, but the pressure is so on in the month of December. So today I don’t want to give you fancy tips and tricks on beauty, makeup, etc, I want to give a few tips to make you see the best in yourself especially when you’re feeling smothered by all this pressure of looking and feeling perfect.  Continue reading BLOGMAS 5: It’s about being comfortable in your own skin