Holly Jolly Christmas {Photo Diary}

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Let’s make up for lost time

Sat here, a little lonely; trying to plan the next big move that makes life more meaningful, but coming up empty. I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, in fact, I pride myself on being sensitive enough to accept them, but this one’s a little alien and I’ve identified it as defeat.

Let’s back up for a moment, and picture this. A 14-year old girl; a casualty of her own self-deprecating thoughts, put in a terrible situation with people around her; tainted by sadness, what does she want to be when she grows up? In one word: Happy. Fast-forward 11 years, the future is still bleak, heartbreak now is exactly like the heartbreak then, friends that left, still haven’t found their way back.

So defeat it is. Now it all makes sense, right? That’s the thing about growing up, we think that its a magical place where all’s well and all’s right; a fairytale land that always seems too far ahead. I thought that too; but, between all the late nights I carelessly let go; sometimes with a little too much work and others with a little too much whiskey, I’m struck by this realisation that life’s not what I wanted it to be at 25.

When you’re young, all you have is your imagination to keep you close to your dreams. As an adult with all the means to ‘make it happen’, I still seem to fall short. My imagination no longer cuts it, I can’t just dream a life I want for myself, I must live it. I’m not even sure if I get in the way of life or life gets in my way; but for now its a mutually destructive relationship. 

I can almost hear you say, “you’re too young to feel that way.” But, I do feel like I’ve defeated myself and that 14 year old who believed she would have the life she wanted by now. Back then, I hadn’t made as many mistakes, I had known loss but never lived it, I had touched sadness, but hadn’t felt it. With all that said, I also envy her. She had hope, she had a sense of reassurance from her future, like she could almost taste the victory of what awaited her. I’d give anything to feel that way now.

And I know I’m not the only one who regrets the things she’s done. And I know I’m not the only one in the world who has looked at her reflection and hated every inch of it. I get that; believe it or not, I understand that there’s a big picture with ups & downs. I just can no longer accept that that’s it.

It seems as if I’ve read every chapter over and over again, some regrettably more than the others, waiting for the big reveal. Praying that it lives up to my fantasy. I can no longer function without knowing how my story ends. Whether I get the guy or the aspiring career? Whether I finally make amends with people I hurt, or they come back seeking redemption?

I’ve watched my life flash before my eyes far too many times, the persistent heaviness in my heart prevails, feeling exactly like the 14 year old who sought after her future with fear and fearlessness all at once. I don’t think I have her big heart, or the passion to fight off anything the world throws at me. The only thing I’ve got is a desperate desire to fight defeat.

I could sit here and go on forever. I know there’s so much I have to say, so many words I haven’t written yet, some I haven’t even learned. But something tells me, I’ll be back for more because the story never really ends, does it?

MUMBAI

Mumbai, Meri Jaan

Exhausted by a 25 hours car journey within the last 40 hours has gotten me all riled up; inspired even to talk about my city. This may be the adrenaline talking or the sheer deliriousness that I’m facing, but Mumbai is the most unforgiving city I’ve ever visited in my very short life. And yet, it challenges you every twist, every turn.

I’m inclined to believe that Mumbai, contrary to where I live has a soul, a moral righteousness and rationale that is governed by emotions and adventures. I can tell you all the big stuff, how the adventures enriched me as a person and appalled me when they didn’t seem to come easy. But how do I tell you the smaller, intimate moments and memories of family, if not with words.

As I sit in the known corners of my childhood, the twinge of sadness hits close to home; the stability here is uncanny, everything in its place for the last 20 years; the trophies of my cousins’ impeccable studiousness, or the wind-chimes that ring and remind me of a memory from age 6, the conversations that turned from how do we convince our parents to let us have ice cream to let’s have a drink, and from the sheer nostalgia of it all, I fall back together.

I’ve always considered Mumbai as my past, a book I no longer read, but one that lingers as a collectible, not a cult. This time around, I picked up the book again and wrote a few pages myself. I explored its spirit, I rendezvoused with its soul and found myself falling in love more and more. You see beyond the crazy traffic, the painstaking moments of hardship and perhaps a lower quality of life, what Mumbai has is a distinct sense of belonging amidst outcasts, a ray of sunshine in the dark and the strength to stand up for itself against all odds.

Now that I’m back in Dubai, the emptiness prevails, reminding me how much more of a home Mumbai is. With food that is reminiscent of all that was good growing up and a treasure trove of family that gives and gives and gives; a home amidst all the hustle and bustle, that should realistically give me anxiety beyond measure, is the only thing that calms me down. Ironic, isn’t it? A place that should keep me on my toes with its overwhelming population and sometimes extreme beliefs and faiths, still has a place in its heart to accommodate my needs, my ideologies and above all, me.

I guess what they say may be true; we always seek something we can’t have and the everlasting pinch of a misplaced heart and its desires, I did find some peace in Mumbai. I found reasons to live and learn, hardships I seeked out just to grow and hurt that only made me stronger. And for once, even in the shortest span of time, it was filled with moments of no regrets.

KIKO FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Affordable brands that really pack a punch are everyone’s favourite! They’re an absolute staple that you don’t feel guilty about re-purchasing or splurging in every other color that is out there. I’ve just been having a love-affair with my Kiko finds. It’s a fairly new brand in the UAE and only available at MCC and DCC, but well worth the trip. I have done a whole YouTube video that you can check out below with my first impressions; but if you want to see my check-ins wearing all the products for 8 hours and more with my final thoughts, you have to do a double whammy; read up and watch next.

Continue reading KIKO FIRST IMPRESSIONS

DIWALI MAKEUP TUTORIAL

I’ve celebrated Diwali in Dubai for over 10 years, and I’ve met very few people who understand the significance of Deepavali (Or Diwali, or popularly known as The Festival of Lights).  Continue reading DIWALI MAKEUP TUTORIAL

SELENA GOMEZ MAKEUP

Are you a makeup noob? Grab yourself a cuppa and watch this easy-peezy Selena Gomez Revival Tour makeup tutorial. Four eye-shadows, one winged liner and a pair of dramatic lashes later, it’s a red-carpet ready look. It’s really one of the simplest makeup looks out there, so go on and give it a whirl.

I’d love for you guys to tell me what you want to see next, write them in the comments below 😀

IZMIR

 

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

I do. I love those little mysteries, that moment when everything makes sense and life comes to a full circle. I’ll never be exhausted of the surprises that put a smile to your face and moments that result from absolute serendipity of the universe. Continue reading IZMIR

SIMPLE ICE CREAM RECIPE

I’m an ice-cream lover with a knack for cooking sans ice cream maker. So on my quest to make a simple, yet decadent ice cream at home, I started searching for recipes. All revolved around the principle of condensed milk and whipped cream, the rest is really up-to you! Ahh, finally a ray of sunshine (with a chance of ice cream, of course). Continue reading SIMPLE ICE CREAM RECIPE

CULT BEAUTY HAUL

I love a good old haul! I’ve recently ventured into beauty products that have a holistic touch and after rummaging through the Cult Beauty site, I found a few things that I had to have! After waiting on my door for 2 days, I received the package, excitedly I wanted to do my first beauty video. Cult Beauty also sent me their goody bag with the order, which has SO MANY beautiful products! Watch my haul now: Continue reading CULT BEAUTY HAUL

First Impressions | Urban Decay Vice XX LTD Reloaded Palette

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Urban Decay’s launches are my biggest vice (pun intended). As a beauty junkie, it is my bread and butter to love and adore the brand’s well loved series of Naked and Vice palettes. So when I did give this palette a whirl, I wasn’t surprised to find quality and pigmentation that lived to the hype.

Continue reading First Impressions | Urban Decay Vice XX LTD Reloaded Palette