Sat here, a little lonely; trying to plan the next big move that makes life more meaningful, but coming up empty. I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, in fact, I pride myself on being sensitive enough to accept them, but this one’s a little alien and I’ve identified it as defeat.
Let’s back up for a moment, and picture this. A 14-year old girl; a casualty of her own self-deprecating thoughts, put in a terrible situation with people around her; tainted by sadness, what does she want to be when she grows up? In one word: Happy. Fast-forward 11 years, the future is still bleak, heartbreak now is exactly like the heartbreak then, friends that left, still haven’t found their way back.
So defeat it is. Now it all makes sense, right? That’s the thing about growing up, we think that its a magical place where all’s well and all’s right; a fairytale land that always seems too far ahead. I thought that too; but, between all the late nights I carelessly let go; sometimes with a little too much work and others with a little too much whiskey, I’m struck by this realisation that life’s not what I wanted it to be at 25.
When you’re young, all you have is your imagination to keep you close to your dreams. As an adult with all the means to ‘make it happen’, I still seem to fall short. My imagination no longer cuts it, I can’t just dream a life I want for myself, I must live it. I’m not even sure if I get in the way of life or life gets in my way; but for now its a mutually destructive relationship.
I can almost hear you say, “you’re too young to feel that way.” But, I do feel like I’ve defeated myself and that 14 year old who believed she would have the life she wanted by now. Back then, I hadn’t made as many mistakes, I had known loss but never lived it, I had touched sadness, but hadn’t felt it. With all that said, I also envy her. She had hope, she had a sense of reassurance from her future, like she could almost taste the victory of what awaited her. I’d give anything to feel that way now.
And I know I’m not the only one who regrets the things she’s done. And I know I’m not the only one in the world who has looked at her reflection and hated every inch of it. I get that; believe it or not, I understand that there’s a big picture with ups & downs. I just can no longer accept that that’s it.
It seems as if I’ve read every chapter over and over again, some regrettably more than the others, waiting for the big reveal. Praying that it lives up to my fantasy. I can no longer function without knowing how my story ends. Whether I get the guy or the aspiring career? Whether I finally make amends with people I hurt, or they come back seeking redemption?
I’ve watched my life flash before my eyes far too many times, the persistent heaviness in my heart prevails, feeling exactly like the 14 year old who sought after her future with fear and fearlessness all at once. I don’t think I have her big heart, or the passion to fight off anything the world throws at me. The only thing I’ve got is a desperate desire to fight defeat.
I could sit here and go on forever. I know there’s so much I have to say, so many words I haven’t written yet, some I haven’t even learned. But something tells me, I’ll be back for more because the story never really ends, does it?
The simplest things in life are quite possibly the most decadent.
This, 10-min one-bowl chug and go recipe is at the top of my list for a delicious treat. I admit, I did go overboard with a lot of ingredients, but the crunch of biscuits paired with gooey marshmallows was a match made in heaven. Before we get into the ingredients, I must add that this recipe is merely a guide, you can switch up flavours that you prefer; change dark chocolate to white or make a christmassy version with orange zest and cranberries (It’s June and I’m already thinking Christmas!)
Whatever you do, don’t forget to tag me in your pictures @heena_mak on Instagram
Ingredients:
I started by heating my Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips with condensed milk and butter. I added some milk to loosen the mixture until it was a thick pourable consistency. Let it cool for 5 minutes. Chug all the remaining ingredients in the pan and give it a good mix.
Pour in a square pan lined with foil or plastic wrap. Let it cool for 4-5 hours.
Love a little (or A LOT) of glow?
You’ve come to the right place. This tutorial hacks up all of my favourite products and techniques to give a summer-y, bronzy glow, so go on, watch it NOW!
It’s nearly 12:00 AM, which means my birthday is ending in merely minutes. And instead of a bitter-sweet goodbye, I have a sense of peaceful content. This year has been a bumpy one and I didn’t expect the kind of love and affection that swept me in the last 24 hours, but I have to tell you, I know some really thoughtful souls.
And as I initiate becoming a 24-year-old woman (hate the word, really), It feels like this giant weight has been lifted from my heart. The fear of never being worthy of such intense love has faded away, and as much as I’ve realized I need these people in my life, I’ve also realized that I’m needed too. Even as I write it, I find this the most refreshing sentence I’ve heard in a while from myself.
Here’s to this year of intense lessons, new friendships, the renewal of old ones too… I am forever grateful for everything you’ve put me through. I don’t feel wiser or older, per se, I just feel lifted and transformed. I literally have no words for all the admiration I have for the ones I hold close. I just know that all the years I’ve spent wanting relationships like these, they’re finally worth the wait.
And I couldn’t be happier.
Sending everyone of you a big fat panda hug ❤
Makeup Geek Duo Chrome shadows are expectedly stunning.
I do not say this lightly, but Makeup Geek Shadows are my all time favorites over M.A.C and Lorac Pro *Gasp*. The pigmentation is oh-s0-sweet and the texture is like butter.
Objectively, Makeup Geek Duo Chrome shadows aren’t ones I use everyday because I’m a hard-core neutrals girl, but without a doubt, they add the necessary impact when you need them to. The hues are dead on and have very interesting shifts and undertones. Let’s go shade by shade with this one as it’s truly worthy. Continue reading Makeup Geek Duo Chrome Eyeshadow Review
There’s been a void in my heart, an ache to travel and escape, even if it means for a while. This weekend, I got a taste of a mini-staycation to give me a break from the city and a break from life, because sometimes you have to run away from yourself…
Clichéd much? Yes. I’ve been meaning to travel this year with no ambitions, no boundaries and no pre-conceptions. I’ve been self-restricted for most of my life, trying no adventures and staying in a cocoon of comfort and honestly. boredom. For a while now, I thought I was afraid of this, afraid of that, frankly, I was just afraid to find out who I could be when I set no expectations from myself. On a journey of self-appraisal and discovery, I’m making 2015 about my travel feats and this was just the second one!
Bab Al Shams was a luxurious getaway with loads of wine-ing and dining and no-regrets. A quick stay away from the city amidst green-scapes and sand mountains, it was just the ultimate summer treat. I went away with a couple of my friends and it was beautiful to just chill-out and live a night out on town.
I’d rather not go in details as a few drunken calls to my friends do speak for themselves (sorry, not sorry). It was refreshing to walk in a view, eat fancy and wake up-to a poolside life. Here’s to many more of them, till then enjoy the photo-diary. Continue reading Bab Al Shams – A liberating getaway
When the festive season arrives, I’m unusually excited but truth be told, I dread all the dressing up and the feeling ‘not good enough’ especially during fancier gatherings. I don’t know about you, but the pressure is so on in the month of December. So today I don’t want to give you fancy tips and tricks on beauty, makeup, etc, I want to give a few tips to make you see the best in yourself especially when you’re feeling smothered by all this pressure of looking and feeling perfect. Continue reading BLOGMAS 5: It’s about being comfortable in your own skin
Fragrances, like people have layers, different notes of character, that develop over time, have a few awkward phases and yet, manage to come around to their balanced state (a.k.a their end note). This description goes to explain the new Diptyqie La Collection 34. Taking stories from their address 34 blvd st germain, Diptyque’s iconic first boutique, this collection explores the past, the passion and the personalities that developed this fragrance haven. Continue reading Diptyque La Collection 34 Launch and thoughts…
