Let’s make up for lost time

Sat here, a little lonely; trying to plan the next big move that makes life more meaningful, but coming up empty. I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, in fact, I pride myself on being sensitive enough to accept them, but this one’s a little alien and I’ve identified it as defeat.

Let’s back up for a moment, and picture this. A 14-year old girl; a casualty of her own self-deprecating thoughts, put in a terrible situation with people around her; tainted by sadness, what does she want to be when she grows up? In one word: Happy. Fast-forward 11 years, the future is still bleak, heartbreak now is exactly like the heartbreak then, friends that left, still haven’t found their way back.

So defeat it is. Now it all makes sense, right? That’s the thing about growing up, we think that its a magical place where all’s well and all’s right; a fairytale land that always seems too far ahead. I thought that too; but, between all the late nights I carelessly let go; sometimes with a little too much work and others with a little too much whiskey, I’m struck by this realisation that life’s not what I wanted it to be at 25.

When you’re young, all you have is your imagination to keep you close to your dreams. As an adult with all the means to ‘make it happen’, I still seem to fall short. My imagination no longer cuts it, I can’t just dream a life I want for myself, I must live it. I’m not even sure if I get in the way of life or life gets in my way; but for now its a mutually destructive relationship. 

I can almost hear you say, “you’re too young to feel that way.” But, I do feel like I’ve defeated myself and that 14 year old who believed she would have the life she wanted by now. Back then, I hadn’t made as many mistakes, I had known loss but never lived it, I had touched sadness, but hadn’t felt it. With all that said, I also envy her. She had hope, she had a sense of reassurance from her future, like she could almost taste the victory of what awaited her. I’d give anything to feel that way now.

And I know I’m not the only one who regrets the things she’s done. And I know I’m not the only one in the world who has looked at her reflection and hated every inch of it. I get that; believe it or not, I understand that there’s a big picture with ups & downs. I just can no longer accept that that’s it.

It seems as if I’ve read every chapter over and over again, some regrettably more than the others, waiting for the big reveal. Praying that it lives up to my fantasy. I can no longer function without knowing how my story ends. Whether I get the guy or the aspiring career? Whether I finally make amends with people I hurt, or they come back seeking redemption?

I’ve watched my life flash before my eyes far too many times, the persistent heaviness in my heart prevails, feeling exactly like the 14 year old who sought after her future with fear and fearlessness all at once. I don’t think I have her big heart, or the passion to fight off anything the world throws at me. The only thing I’ve got is a desperate desire to fight defeat.

I could sit here and go on forever. I know there’s so much I have to say, so many words I haven’t written yet, some I haven’t even learned. But something tells me, I’ll be back for more because the story never really ends, does it?

I am that girl.

When I watched this, it moved me. For many days now, I’ve been trying to draft this post but neither did I have the guts or the words. But it’s true, being a size 20 myself and a self-harm addict, this is the hardest thing to hear. As every emotion is extremely relatable. This post is targeted to the big or small, to black or white, to every one, to anyone. Know you are worth it…:)

I am a recovering self-harmer, I am not 100 % there, but soon :). I want this blog to become a support community and if you know someone who is going through this then please read this, watch the video and realise what you mean to people. Here are three ways to find strength when you think you’ll step out of line on yourself.

1. When you think it’s the toughest day, take some time off. I’ve felt the need to end everything and just escape, and if you are anything like me, just remember it does get better. Give yourself some more time, consider working on things that consume you (not make you happy, as it takes a while to get there). Be busy and be focussed on your career, friends, family anything that is a ray of hope amidst all the harsh realities.

2. Do not depend on others, as they’re bound to disappoint, it’s only natural. Believe me, I’ve been that girl who depended on my closest friends to make me feel better and eventually they got exhausted of it. Do not put all your eggs in one basket, keep yourself open to experiences and having new people in your life. If you hurt yourself, it’s likely you give a lot to people who show the slightest interest in your life. Remember you’re the only one who should define what makes you happy or sad, don’t give anyone else the right to hurt you.

3. For all those who say “I’m not strong enough”, YOU ARE. The hardest part of a hurtful situation is walking away, but once you do that and do not feel responsible, you’ll feel the lightness. Whatever bothers you; your looks, your friends; your family; your work, etc, once you just let loose and stop feeling that heaviness in your chest, chances are it gets better…

And if you need anything or just want to talk, please comment below. I want to personally know all your stories. Which is why, I have my email linked on this post : heenamak@gmail.com

P.S. I trying to bring spotlight to the issue of self harm. If you have negative views about this issue please do not share them here. Much appreciated.